Yeah, I Figured That Much

Patiently, John asked, “How about a picture?”

2010-10-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

Irene was very hard of hearing. As a young woman she’d followed her older sister Gladys, by taking a cannery job after graduating from high school. Gladys had been regional manager at Hurling Canned Goods in Lincoln, Nebraska for little over a year when she offered Irene a job working on the assembly line. Irene hated the work, but soon fell in love with her coworker Steven, who was recently divorced and who worked across from Irene on the assembly line. At the age of 20 and still living at home, Irene lived for her 10-hour shift at a job she despised just so she could watch Steven casually load and unload the lid trays. Steven was always pleasant with Irene, but never knew of his heightened position inside her mind. She never got the opportunity to tell him as the plant closed some 64 years after having opened, and some 9 years into Irene’s career.

Love wasn’t the only thing lost after those 9 long years. Having worked so close to the pressing machine, and refusing to wear earplugs because she “didn’t want him (Steven) to see me with little things in my ears,” Irene was close to devastation when she learned that she’d lost 20% of her hearing. This resulted in an annoying habit of having to ask people to repeat themselves.

Irene had learned to live with this condition, but never got over the constant reminder that her hearing loss presented: She’d become nearly deaf for a man she never confessed her love to. It wasn’t her loss of hearing that caused Irene to sink into depression; it was the eternal reminder of what could have been. This endless possibility forced Irene’s imagination to run wild, and she began eating to help ease the pain. She gained 89 pounds over a 4-month stretch and would often turn down invitations from her friends to play Bingo at the Presbyterian Church on Hillcrest and Lafayette. After a while Irene stopped getting the invitation.

Although she’d considered her life a failure (living with your parents until you're 38 will cause such thoughts to surface), Irene found comfort in the bond that she shared with her sister Gladys. Gladys had been happily married until her husband Richard ran off to Puerto Vallarta with a woman he’d met in the frozen food section at the Lincoln Super Wal-Mart. This twist of fate left Gladys to care after their only son John, and forced her to abandon men all together. John loathed his father after he left, but would sometimes miss him when driving past the Dairy Queen they used to frequent after little league games when he was a child.

John never really got over his abandonment issues and turned to drugs for alleviation. A decade of hard drug use caused John’s face to age prematurely, and his speech to become slurred. It wasn’t until he permanently injured his leg while jumping from the back of a moving truck to escape arrest that he finally swore off drugs. The incident resulted in a 2-week hospital stay, a 6-month jail sentence, and necessitated the use of a cane for simple mobility. After his release he moved to Gurnee, Illinois to live with his mother and took a job stocking shelves at the corner grocery.

Irene always adored John, who in her eyes could do no wrong. As the son to her best friend and only sibling, John would often receive gift baskets from his Aunt by mail which would often, but not always contain a box of Lemon Heads; a favorite of John’s growing up. John had since disliked Lemon Heads to the point of detesting them, but never had the heart to tell his Aunt.

Still living in Lincoln, Irene had not seen Gladys or John in close to a year. She invited herself to Gurnee, to which both Gladys and John accepted with eager anticipation. After having spent 2 days catching up while playing endless games of backgammon, and having spent a day at the famed Gurnee Mills mall, they decided to take a drive into the big city.

Irene had never been to the Windy City. She found the Chicago Dogs to be delectable, the parking to be irritating, the wind to be bearable, and the company to be unforgettable. She had thought of suggesting a carriage ride down Michigan Ave, but ultimately decided against it. The reunion was both well timed and memorable. So much so that it prompted Gladys to duck into a Walgreens to purchase a disposable camera to commemorate their time with a frozen moment. Knocking his cane against his boots and gazing up at the Chicago skyline, John expressed to his Aunt the beauty that can be found among man’s architectural achievements. “What’s that dear?” Replied Irene to John’s murmur. Gladys chimed in, “This would be a good place for a photo.” “You’re what now?” Irene inquired. Patiently, John asked, “How about a picture?”

Reverse Ventriloquists & The Old Switcheroo

2010-09-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

The other day I ran across this commercial for Captain Morgan's rum while I was waiting for a Youtube video to load. In it, two guys at a party are standing at a counter discussing how many shots are in the bottle of rum, when the one guy pipes up about how the other had mentioned that there is supposed to be a "reverse ventriloquist" there. Enter the reverse ventriloquist - seen in the picture.

This bit instantly reminded me of the closing shot of the old Twilight Zone episode entitled The Dummy, in which Cliff Robertson portrays a night club ventriloquist with a sociopathic dummy for a partner. That final shot of the episode is one of many classic moments in the Twilight Zone series.

Check out the shot.

The shot segues into the closing credits with the requisite voice over of Rod Serling's epilogue:

"What's known in the parlance of our times as the 'Old Switcheroo'..."

Filling In the Blank With FILLintheBLANK

2010-07-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give a quick heads up about the most recent Yeah, I Figured That Much related project titled, FILLintheBLANK.

Here is our bio:
FILLintheBLANK or FitB as it is known, is an audio odyssey (AUDIO PODCAST) combining the comedic brilliance of Jason Hardwick (Left of Center / The Jason Hardwick Show) and Nathan Lueptow (Yeah, I Figured That Much / I Heart Bubbles). FILLintheBLANK touches (read: erotically caresses) a wide range of topics and non-topics, and is best enjoyed with the volume turned down.

My buddy and I are about to start production on Season 2, but I wanted to let everyone know that Season 1 (all 12 episodes) are available for free from iTunes.

27 Up, 27 Down

2010-05-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

Congratulations from Yeah, I Figured That Much to Oakland A's pitcher Dallas Braden for pitching a perfect game in a 4-0 victory over the Tampa Bay Rays on Sunday afternoon.

Sweet Home Alabama!

2010-04-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Apparently, a hot topic in the 2010 race for Governor of Alabama is the number of languages that the State's current driver's license exam is given in.

In a recent campaign ad, Republican candidate Tim James promises that, if elected Governor of Alabama, he will make the State's driver's license exam English only.

Although not specifically stated in the ad, James has made the claim that this is a public safety issue. He evidently believes that an English only exam will ensure that drivers can read signs, and that this will produce safer drivers.

What James clearly fails to realize (or is it conveniently forgets?), is that road signs are specifically designed in the shapes they are, and with the symbols they use, so that they can be understood by people who don't speak the local language.

Once again, a Republican politician proves himself to be a fucking moron!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/20100428/ts_ynews/ynews_ts1831
http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2010/04/tim_james_has_come_under_criti.html

Wal-Mart Hates Women, You Should Too

2010-04-26T13:27:00.001-07:00

Why does Wal-Mart, our nation’s largest and shittiest retailer hate women? Wal-Mart recently went on record as saying (but not really), “We hate women and we’re not ashamed of it.” Wal-Mart has driven a hard line in the sand between ½ of its consumer make-up with its decade long favoritism towards its male employees and a general disregard, and apparent distain toward its female employees. The soon to be ALL-MALE-SUPER-STORE-‘CAUSE-WOMEN-SUCK Arkansas based company now finds itself in “the largest class-action employment lawsuit” (CNN.com) in our country’s long-run capitalist history. Check out CNN’s coverage here.

Editor’s note: New “BUY WAL-MART, HATE WOMEN” t-shirts coming soon (but probably not).

Feeling Kinda Kinky

2010-03-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

For the past week or so I’ve been treating my ears to some of the most admirable and refined music I’ve ever heard (and I’ve been here for 3 decades). The year was 1968. The band, The Kinks.

The Davies brothers (Dave and Ray) stray from their more typical, and universally known “British Invasion” rock and offer a storybook fantasy of an open-air park in Devon, England called The Village Green. The Kinks are the Village Green Preservation Society is a jubilant concept album that makes me want to book a flight to Devon, remove my socks and shoes, and jaunt through the grass in admiration that such a radiant place could exist. 15 catchy tracks, as timeless as they are profound are available (depending on the release) in either mono or stereo recordings.

Ranking at #255 on Rolling Stone Magazine’s list of the 500 greatest albums of all time, The Kinks are the Village Green Preservation Society clocks in at a quick 38:46, and demands an almost immediate follow-up listen. Without a hint of farce, I listened to this album 5 times on Monday alone. I want to quit my job, sell my belongings, and live within the open walls of The Village Green.

If I had a rating system, this album would be an 11 out of 10. By far one of the best albums I’ve ever heard.

Sanctuary Records released a 3 disc special deluxe edition of the album in 2004 containing the stereo version (disc 1) the mono version (disc 2) and a disc of rarities (disc 3).

Damn Yankees!

2009-11-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

"Rooting for the Yankees is like going to the casino and rooting for the house."

- Doug Stanhope

Coveting

2009-06-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

Coveting is a wet child angry to dry off. The same child who, 7 minutes earlier, was exhausted from panting to its mother to go frolic in the neighbor’s sprinkler. “We don’t have a towel“ she says, but that doesn’t put the cheese on the needy cracker. An adult coveting is not unlike the angry, sopping wet and annoying child. Sure, our needed and unavailable towel is evident, but the compulsive desire is still present. If I were to say, “Wow! Look at Tim’s bright shiny new thing!” Would I be unlike the desperate soaked lass? The truth is, that question cannot be answered, because I would never say such a ridiculous thing. Bright shiny new thing? Is there even a market for those anymore? I imagine, in some boarded up shack in the countryside of a Midwestern state, someone is desperately searching for the bright shiny new thing. I should send them a 60 watt light bulb. But would they get the point? Would you?

All Kinds of Wrongness: Shaq freestyling and dissing Kobe

2008-06-25T16:57:00.001-07:00

The phrase of the summer curtsey of Shaq-fu: "Kobe how does my ass taste?"

Boston: The Best Sports City in the World!

2008-06-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

Well, the title may be a bit misleading. But look at it this way. Within the last year, in 3 of the 4 major sports (Baseball, Basketball, Football & Hockey) Boston had either a championship win, or in the case of the (until then) undefeated New England Patriots, a championship appearance.

It started off with the Red Sox crushing the underdog hopefuls Colorado Rockies. The Patriots almost had their envious "perfect" season, but fell short (to the Giants of all teams! wtf!) Then last night, with a 39 point win, the Celtics put the nail on Kobe's coffin and sent him down river. 39 points!

Seems like the Bruins need to step it up next year. Expectation seems to be sky high in Massachusetts these days.

Congrats Celtics! Thanks for shutting Kobe up!

M.I.A. Follows The Dub and Quits While On Top of Her Game

2008-06-17T07:41:00.001-07:00

On June 13, 2008 critically acclaimed Cult British/Sri Lankan star M.I.A. announced at the Tennessee love festival, Bonnaroo that she was then performing her last show. At the tender age of 30, this international phenomenon of worldly talents has given up singing to pursue 2 of her other innate talents: Art and her own clothing line.

I for one am a bit pleased that Mrs. M.I.A. (real name Mathangi Arulpragasam) is closing the book on her singing career. Both of her albums, 2005's Arular and 2007's Kala are damn near perfect in every sense of the word. With her departure at such a young age and on such a monumental pedestal, over time those 2 albums will become the stepping stones for other generations of musicians to follow and emulate.

Best of luck M.I.A. Say hi to Master Dub for us.

Yeah, I Figured That Much Loses A Son

2008-06-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

Time breeds change. And change moves mountains. It is with deep remorse to publicly announce the unexpected departure of one of yeahifigured.com’s founding fathers, GDub.

As of June 10, 2008 fan favorite GDub has successfully broken all ties with Yeah, I Figured That Much and is off to produce his own solo projects that can be found at www.theshitbetween.blogspot.com. As co-founder of yeahifigured.com, my blessings for a better and well-rounded psyche go out to GDub, and I wish him both happiness and strength.

We were graced with GDub’s presence for 527 days, or 1 year, 5 months and 10 days. Best of luck GDub. May all your desires and aspirations come into fruition.

Growing Pains

2008-06-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

The recent days have been filled with many-a-busy duty. Unfortunately, none have involved yeahifigured.com. As all of us here attempt to better, and further understand our personal lives, our exercises here at Yeah, I Figured That Much have not gotten their due attention.

As we continue to riffle through our own personal demons while dealing with our guilt ridden social shyness, we offer our back catalogue of delightful and cheeky periodicals of brief amusement.

Please bare with us as our IT department fixes our lengthy list of problems and check back soon.

Sincerely,

JDot
CEO & Co-Founder of yeahifigured.com

So Long

2008-06-10T19:46:00.001-07:00

This extended hiatus appears indefinite. For me at least. A morass of guilt has bludgeoned me cold and lonely. I'm in need of detour. Or maybe a wayside.

Lately my attitude has cheapened progress and perpetuated animosity at the top. I feel like that stubborn block in jenga you deliberately wedge free as perspiration builds. Our tower was created with collective precision. And I don't want it toppled by blunt refrain. Ain't ready to rebuild, but I'm ready for change.

Best to my Crew, especially Dot. This collaborative is nothing without his heart. As black as it may seem sometime. Dude cares more than he cares to admit.

To fortune, focus, and the furtherment of Yeah. Cheers...I'm out.

2008-06-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.

- Paul McCartney

Gunnin' Trailer

2008-06-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

Oscilloscope Laboratories debut release Gunnin' For That #1 Spot movie trailer. Enjoy!

RIP Bo Diddley

2008-06-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

Rock legend and monumental man of influential power Bo Diddley died yesterday. He was 79. Click here for Variety's article, and here for his Wikipedia page.

"Hey, Bo Diddley!" - Eric Burdon
"Bo Diddley's a gunslinger!" - Bo Diddley

Arrested Development THE MOVIE

2008-06-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

Rumors, rumors, rumors. Click here for recorded talks about an Arrested Development movie. It seems as though all the cast members who were contacted are excited about the possibility, and Universal has yet to say no.

Keep your finders crossed indeed.

Some of the funniest shit I'VE EVER HEARD!

2008-06-01T14:45:00.001-07:00

A coworker sent me this link about a girl breaking up with a boy in a letter. It's read in a mock dramatic acting style that would make Jon Lovitz proud.

Audio is required. (I can't stop listening to this!!)

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

Quota Fulfilled

2008-05-28T23:31:00.001-07:00

This site may very soon turn into my very own personal locker of self reflecting and opinionated view of negativity. With so much pleasure and wealth of joy this world endlessly produces, a home for pale faced grief seems, at least to me, welcome and directly warranted.

My advice, if that is indeed what it may translate into being, would be this: Focus and mentally document your vile and disgusting scowls of social disgust within the act of keeping it to yourself. Put on that expected happy face and continue to make others comfortable while you yourself walk the familiar path of distaste and hopeless excitement.

Tombstone Shadow

2008-05-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

Obeying the lives outside of the ravaging pulse of social cleansing that's dubbed as Yeah, I Figured That Much has caused all who are involved to abandon our respected posts. It is our overwhelming position of sorrow and heartfelt regret that such a week long hiatus has found its inevitable placement upon this site.

We're sorry...we've been busy.

One of us is dying, one of our mothers are visiting from out of state, one of us has "the kids" this weekend, one of use has been busy at work, one of us is away on vacation, and one of us is getting married. But be-that-as-it-may, our collective neglect stands both unwarranted and ill-advised.

Please accept our deepest of apologies as we finish our collective time consuming personal duties known as "life" and review our options for a brighter and better Yeah, I Figured That Much tomorrow.

May God bless you all in this time of sorrow, and may your decisions be granted with thoughtful investigation and option considering knowledge.

The ic You Can't Scratch (from the lineup)

2008-05-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

RUDI - The consensus seems to be the NBA Playoffs are once again exciting with the infusion of some young, new talent and rejuvenated superstars. Most of the Western Conference games are past my bed time, so I'm stuck with sloppy 74-69 contests like last night's Cavs-Celts mess. Anyway, the hope of a team reaching 100 points in a game I can actually watch keeps me interested for now - at least until the inevitable Spurs-Pistons Finals.

Another storyline that has grabbed my attention is all of the solid "ics" (pronounced ˈich) still playing in the second season. As a fellow "ic" (although pronounced ick - like what comes out of people's mouths when they see my grease stains) I am proud to see so many of these players having an impact on their teams. We share the last two letters of our surnames and also an affinity for lazy defense, chucking 3-point bombs and lack of personal hygiene. Let's take a look at the All-"ic"-Team.

Aleksandar Pavlovic
#3 Cleveland Cavaliers
Guard - Forward

2008 Playoffs Statistics
-------------------------
PPG 3.0
RPG 1.00
APG 0.0

Vladimir Radmanovic
#10 Los Angeles Lakers
Forward

2008 Playoffs Statistics
-------------------------
PPG 8.2
RPG 2.90
APG 1.7

Sasha Vujacic
#18 Los Angeles Lakers
Guard

2008 Playoffs Statistics
-------------------------
PPG 8.7
RPG 1.90
APG 0.7

Peja Stojakovic
#16 New Orleans Hornets
Forward

2008 Playoffs Statistics
-------------------------
PPG 14.7
RPG 5.50
APG 0.5

Not a bad team. We need someone on the defensive glass though...and a point guard. Since this is a playoffs post it looks like I will have to suit up for the Celtics (love the green and black!). OK, I will play point - we'll move Rondo to the two guard and Ray to the nursing home.

Yeah, I Figured That Much Announces Summer Tour!

2008-05-16T12:05:00.001-07:00

The ingenious minds behind the uber classic website http://www.yeahifigured.com/ have just announced a 24 date summer tour. Kicking off the tour on June 6^th in Chatsworth, CA the now 7 member team will present their varied talents all across the continental

United States

(with 1 exclusive stop in Mexico).

The set list for the tour consists of classic rock guitarist Frybyrd, blues rock artist Hennessy, spoken word poetry by Grease, visual graphics and custom t-shirt sales by Kreative, illegal drug sales by Bucho, and endless hours of on stage arguments by GDub and JDot.

Comparable to such summer blockbuster music attractions as The Warped Tour and Coachella, the Yeah, I Figured That Much crew will set up booths providing merchandise from CD’s and LP’s to hand made screen printed shirts and posters.

Graphic Designer and new YIFTM recruit Kreative designed the eye-popping-attention-grabbing poster which will be sold exclusively on the tour and will have a very limited print of only 10 hand numbered copies.

The 24 date event of social challenge and refrain will set up camp in towns all across the country. The following dates have already been scheduled:

6/6/8 Willowbrae House of Hell - Chatsworth, CA

6/8/8 House of Blues - Hollywood, CA

6/9/8 House of Blues - San Diego, CA

6/14/8 Caesar’s Palace - Las Vegas, NV

6/17/8 Miller Park Parking Lot - Milwaukee, WI

6/18/8 Rudi Circle Cul-de-sac - Madison, WI

6/20/8 Okray Park - Plover, WI

6/27/8 The Bucho Mansion – Santa Cecilia, Mexico

Yeah, I Figured That Much Just got KREATIVE

2008-05-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

Through several late night pitching sessions with acclaimed award winning freelance Graphic Designer LK, the legal team at Yeah, I Figured That Much has secured a 2 year deal for the exclusive services of the die hard designer LK.

We here at Yeah, I Figured That Much are excited to continue working with LK, and feel the timing couldn’t have been better. As all of you know, LK designed the exclusive JDot Recordings logo and LP cover for Yeah, I Figured That Much’s first 12” vinyl series. His professional demeanor and intricate attention to detail will provide Yeah, I Figured That Much with just the right amount of goal oriented determination currently lacking on www.yeahifigured.com.

“Welcome aboard Kreative. The more people we have the harder the crash will be.” - JDot

Please welcome Kreative by directing a comment to him on this post, or click on his CREW PICTURE for a link to his professional site.

Support our troops; don't play golf

2008-05-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

President Bush in an interview with Yahoo! News and Politico:

"I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal."

But wait, there's more...

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander-in-chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them."

Bush's hole in one here.

Chef Boy-arty

2008-05-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

Marvel at the fine tuned precision of culinary artisan, James Parker. The New York Times spotlights his exquisite detail to carve.

Working with subject fruit and vegetables, Mr. Parker attitudinizes his creations, but pays little mind to freshness. As the food tastes like shit.

All the girls standing in the line of the backroom...

2008-05-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

N*E*R*D on Letterman last night. Yeah founders GDub & JDot can be glimpsed squealing, "Phareezee you da bomb yo, but where Chad at?!"

N*E*R*D's hotly anticipated third album, Seeing Sounds, streets June 10.

(Editor's note: Video seems broken. Here's link to original post on Brooklyn Vegan - great blog for music stuff.)

Star The Clone Wars Wars

2008-05-09T11:28:00.001-07:00

The Star Wars legacy continues with this summer’s theatrical release of The Clone Wars. As a previous Star Wars nut I can say I’m mildly excited. The prequels however, (sigh). I still can’t watch Episode II and while I saw Episode I in the theater 6 times, I’ve only seen Episode III once. I kind of wish he never made those.

Finally, some good news

2008-05-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

Story here.

Goes well with a dish of snob

2008-05-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

This one smells like vag.

The New York Times looks at wine culture. Eric Asimov surmises with impeccable capture:

Yet in recent months American wine drinkers have taken their turn as pop culture’s punching bags. In press accounts of two studies on wine psychology, consumers have been portrayed as dupes and twits, subject to the manipulations of marketers, critics and charlatan producers who have cloaked wine in mystique and sham sophistication in hopes of better separating the public from its money.

I can definitely tell a bottle of bad wine from good. But haven't the faintest judging good from great. I just like getting drunk.

Kermit's Attempted Suicide Tenenbaum Style

2008-05-07T16:06:00.000-07:00

Kermit T. Frog performs Elliot Smith’s Needle in the Hay while reenacting Luke Wilson’s classic suicide attempt scene from the Wes Anderson pic Royal Tenenbaums.

A very sad tune for a very sad frog.

Clothing Goes M.I.A.

2008-05-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Now Public for the article. (No thanks to JDot for cutting and pasting.)

(The following article was taken directly from Now Public)

M.I.A. is set to launch her own clothing line. According to hipster fashionistas Trashbag Aesthetics, the London-born MC/producer, who posed for Marc, this year’s spring campaign by Marc Jacobs, is looking to release a line that focuses on bomber jackets, leggings and t-shirts. Each item will feature bold bright hues and graphic prints, which Maya often sports herself. No name or date has been set for the line, but stay tuned.

In more M.I.A. “news,” MTV News is reporting that M.I.A. may be looking to get out of the music industry. After the star’s recent show in New Orleans, she told reporter Akshay Bhansall that she is considering moving away from music altogether in order to return to art. As you may or may not know, Ms. Arulpragasam has quite an established portfolio, having designed both of her album covers, t-shirts, music videos, as well as the cover for Elastica’s second album, The Menace. In 2001, her exhibition at the Euphoria Shop in London, England was nominated for the Alternative Turner Prize.

Clampdown In Philly

2008-05-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

Police politely apprehend 3 individuals in this family friendly video. Fun for all ages and for a limited time only. Enjoy! (thanks to the Huff)

Nerdcakes

2008-05-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

Fair celebrates cool, useless tech stuff

All for the love of DIY-because we can-put it all together-and play-aesthetic, Make Magazine held it's third annual Maker Faire last weekend. Thousands of self made iron men (and women) gathered, made nerd sounds, relished in tech know-how and mash-up.

Official blog here. Flickr pics here.

My life is golden

2008-05-06T06:04:00.000-07:00

Call it what you want. Tragic or humbling, shit puts things in perspective real quick.

The devastation in Myanmar inspires empathy at least; immediate action at most. President Bush and the UN need react posthaste with humanitarian aid. Rest of us should offer prayer, charity, anything we can afford. Be it 15 minutes or $15. Mass tragedy is only meaningful when responded with mass outreach and change.

Alright. I'm off my soap box.

Reign Man

2008-05-06T05:49:00.000-07:00

Shawn Kemp has nothing on Wendell Loy Nielsen...

Polygamy roll shows 21 wives, 36 kids for one member

On a side note, you gotta wonder how's this gonna affect HBO's hit Big Love? Real world violence worked well for Sopranos; audiences more susceptible to forgive lovable sociopaths before out of wedlock wedlock.

Geek Freek

2008-05-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

Boffo box office for Iron Man.

Film succeeds in large part to Robert Downey Jr.'s deft channeling of Vince Vaughn circa Swingers and above grade script. I imagine director Favreau responded to hip, net-play dialogue and predatory one-nighters; the only aspects really differentiating Iron Man from other super hero cinema.

Live/CGI effects fusion is primarily seamless, but action sequences are a bit lethargic, especially anti-climatic finale. Scenes of flight and weaponry use are most fun in a film that never takes itself too seriously. Good thing. Because execution of story beats are far too sloppy for deep meaning. This is pure comic book panel. All involved get it. Jeff Bridges especially. His sleaze performance is the cream of unintentional laugh. Character's final jaunt as a metal gear solid Godzilla is painfully awkward especially as Bridges explains reasons for erratic weapon misfire.

Fun(ny) movie.

Pharrell Williams is gay

2008-05-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

Producer's Hard Candy contribution flamboyant in queer

Noreaga's Superthug is paradigmatic in its cannibalization of the entire Neptunes catalog. Typified in a sparse foundry for MC cadence, the single matched grit minimalism with a sheik, rhapsodic verbal assault. This unique bombast, underlined by what sounds like a helicopter blade gone berserk, is the first real indication of Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo's immediate trajectory: street beats for hardcore rappers. The framework would peak with the cavernous staccato of Clipse's Grindin'.

Both songs become substantial enough hits to attract a tide of eager record labels hoping to equip their mainstream artists with a blunt edge. The Neptunes' mantra then became that of a maverick filmmaker constrained by Hollywood's rules of exchange. One for them, one for me.

Massive chart followed with ginormous singles for Britney, Gwen Stefani, and Justin Timberlake. The once reclusive sound became pop and victimized the Neptunes to their own success. Watered down imitation ran rampant by lower level producers anxious to duplicate. The Neptunes acknowledged this by titling their debut album, Clones.

Since then, they've struggled to solidify a unique place in radio clutter. Not sure if this has caused a riff between the two as recent production neglects writing credits for Chad (though Neptunes production moniker remains). Pharrell has since released a solo album equal parts rap and sing song. Left to his own devices, he seems to favor a less imposing spectrum. Perfectly packaged for disco queens and fairies.

I guess it was inevitable to work with Madonna.

Junking grim doom for textured lolly-gagging and effeminate pander, Pharrell has laced Hard Candy with a falsetto that now sounds in dire need of cock.

This is not to say the album is bad. Regretfully it's quite good. Pharrell and cross town rival, Timbaland (whose own evolution echos the Neps), double team the 'material girl' with leftover scraps off Justified and FutureSex. Respective tracks bleed well into one another. Pharrell, Timbaland. Timbaland, Pharrell. Love child Timberlake cooing in between. Madonna's core audience of gay men and beauty queen debutantes will be frolicking like pinballs in a pinball machine.

Pharrell however continues to hop skip away from VA roots. The transcendental world stage has I think consumed too much of his attention. I'm hopeful the new N.E.R.D reacquaints. Otherwise Chad should shoot him.

YIFTM Announces New JDot Single Series

2008-05-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I Figured That Much’s JDot announces 12” single series. Kicking off with the classic Lancre Factory, JDot’s blend of lazy electro lueptronic sound is proof that Yeah, I Figured That Much can feed your ears as well as your mind. Recorded in April of 2008, this first in a series of JDot singles will be released exclusively through JDot recordings.

Yeah, I Figured That Much was extremely fortunate to win out in a high pressured bidding war for the opportunity to work with freelance designer LK. LK designed both the 12” single series cover as well as the JDot recordings logo. Admire LK's illustrious body of work here.

Happy Saturday!

2008-05-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

The weekend is FINALLY here (thank God). I hope everyone had a solid work week and are now ready to fuk & fight all weekend long. If not, find someone who is and ride their coat tales.

T.U.B.E., for those of you who are interested offers, among several other treasures, a 12 disc set of the 1969 Woodstock festival. I just finished listening to disc 1 and I must say I'm quite impressed. The recording is pieced together from several different sources which is really kind of cool since you get several perspectives of the same song. Makes sense I guess given all the reality bending that was going on. But I HIGHLY recommend checking that site out.

Saturday morning at 8:57am and I've been up for almost 2 hours. Damn I hate my work schedule. It renders me useless for sleeping in on the weekend. Allow me to share my grief.

I just did.

A Good Book

2008-05-02T07:31:00.001-07:00

Check out this book.

"...you and me babe. HEY, HEY!"

2008-05-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

I’ve been craaazy busy at my “other” job this week, but a few things of note may be interesting to read. But probably not. Within the last three days I’ve seen 3 flashpan legendary performers practice their Jimmy Kimmel Live performances. First up was the never aging, always crooning Neil Diamond. Second up was my favorite band as a 4^th grader: Def Leppard. I remember living near a cross street growing up that I was convinced was named after their lead singer. Finally, about an hour ago I saw Stone Temple Pilots in all their rockin’ out 2008 style. From what I hear, Mötley Crüe is playing next week.

So there you have it. My post quota for the day and a bit of music selfishness for all of you to mock and protest.

I’ll see you all in the comment section…

Damn it feels good to be a gangster

2008-04-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

For gamers, a glowing review of Grand Theft Auto IV.

The crime game's enticing vividness is inspiring some to emulate, while pushing others further down hole of reculisivity.

And it's selling tons.

Collecting Vinyl Chapter 1

2008-04-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

Some ask why, others could care less. Because of my own selfish needs I write this bitter article.

I’ve been collecting records/LP’s/vinyl/wax since my junior year of high school. Since then I’ve accumulated over 2k double sided pieces of wax, and throughout my treasure hunting journey I’ve honed in on key shops and online sites that offer rare and elusive gems.

So, starting off with a bang (of the trumpet) one of my best finds was at a Goodwill in Oxnard, CA. The employees there are idiots; let me say first and foremost. Instead of writing the price on the price sticker BEFORE placing it on the album cover, they decide to place the blank sticker canvas on the LP, AND THEN write the price, IN MAGIC MARKER none-the-fucking-less. And of course these people apparently never grew up and learned to “color between the lines” and tend to mark up the majority of their album covers with permanent magic marker. (Ok, so this was a little rant, and I hardly ever buy a record w/ this devil mark, but it needed to be mentioned.)

So back to the “of the trumpet” reference. I unearthed a Miles Davis Kind of Blue LP sans the devil marks for $1.99. And even though it’s a stereo and NOT a mono pressing, today that album is worth more than 20 times what I paid for it. Not to mention it’s a badass album.

Such finds as the one above happen not-too-often. The frequency of the find depends on how often the collector scavenges the local thrift shops coupled with how many different shops they scavenge. So remember, the more you look the better your chance of finding buried musical treasure.

Lately, online shops such as Vinyl Collective and Fat Wreck Chords offer limited and sometimes out of print albums at a very reasonable price. I picked up a few Asian Man records that were thought to be out of print for only $6.99 each from Vinyl Collective, and Fat Wreck Chords is offering a Classic Vinyl Collection where they take a classic release from their catalog, repress it on limited edition color vinyl, and offer it for sale on their site. These releases are often pressed in the hundreds (that’s a very limited pressing) and almost always sell out of the entire stock the day they become available.

So as a quick recap (as I can go on and on about the do’s and don’ts of record collecting) check the local second hand stores, and check for label only released special edition albums. Also, it may be a good idea to buy more than one copy of a rare album. That way you can keep one for yourself and trade or sell your duplicate copy and use that trade or $$ towards another record on your coveted “Want” or in my case “Need” list.

Take my breath away

2008-04-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

David Blaine has broken the world record for holding one's breath. The magician submerged himself in Oprah Winfrey for over 17 minutes. Blaine said it fulfilled a "life long dream".

Videos below detail his preparation.

Part I

Part II

Obama holds court

2008-04-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Obama displays mad game.

Quick to attack, Rev. Jeremiah Wright calls crisp passing "divisive and destructive". While Hillary labels lack of trash talk "elitist".

Jimi Hendrix…Porn

2008-04-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

Sex tapes of celebrities having sex on tape are the new Crystal Pepsi now-a-days. At least as though it seems. So why not Jimi Hendrix? I can see the tagline for the video now: “You’ve seen him master the guitar. Now watch as he masters 2 attractive young women!”

Hendrix bio here.

Hendrix music catalog here.

Hendrix sex tape info here.

...the harder they fall

2008-04-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

Rocket trips to McCready's secret naughty confirmed

Roger Clemens strikes me as a complete package asshole; the kind that fills a room. His defiant Congressional steroid stance previewed in a barrage of Hillary-Barackesque exchanges with Brian McNamee, have done little to bolster credence in the court of public opinion. Saddled now with allegations of marital stray, Clemens' further denials sink his believability faster than a change up.

Bush it real good

2008-04-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

A little Sympathy for the Devil, please...

Witless Leader Bush is indicting Democrat-led Congress for failure to propose 'sensible' bills. Thus handcuffing any solution to econmic upheaval and moral decay.

In other words, none of your problems are because of the IRAQ war. Clear?

The New York Times isn't.

Fuck it then

2008-04-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

To anyone who gives a shit,

The days of streamlined narrative are safe no more. The return of grime now stands. Onward messy from this post forth...

- Dot & Dub

The greatest hip hop band ever releases new album today

2008-04-29T10:31:00.000-07:00

The Roots have galvanized dark, forbidding audio their career entire; defeaning earbuds with urgency that is above all time relevant.

Today marks the release of Rising Down. Early word has it pegged as the bastard dark child to Game Theory.

Check out Pitchfork's review, then go blow your fucking brains out.

Shooting Blanks

2008-04-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

Bullet news from the week in film . . .

Natalie Portman oui, ouied on. Lineup for Cannes Film Festival released this week. With crop of undiscovered talent, organizers hope to refocus spotlight away from peripheral party-goers. Clint Eastwood and Steven Soderbergh among the big names premiering new films; Spielberg to unveil new Indiana Jones - sure to receive trucelent disdain from Jean-Luc Godard. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman will headline the jury.
Pls baby pls, baby baby, pls. Spike Lee to direct film shot entirely with cell phones. Teaming with Nokia, the director calls the project, "the first hand democratization of film" and offers users the chance to submit footage of which Lee will shape into a story of humanism through music. Hope it's better than Girl 6.
3 Snipes, You're out! The new king of 'direct to video' going directly to jail. Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in prison Thursday for failing to file income taxes the actor insisted he never had to pay. Snipes somberly accepted his penalty and admitted, "the money train has been derailed."

10,000 WINS!!!

2008-04-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Last night, at 10:54 P.M. Central Standard Time, the Chicago Cubs became the second Major League Baseball team to chalk up 10,000 all time victories. Win number 10,000 came on the road with the defeat of the Colorado Rockies.

In the top of the ninth, with the Rockies leading by a score of 5-4, it looked as though the Cubs would have to wait at least another game before achieving the milestone win. But with one on and two out, and down to their last strike, Aramis Ramirez belted a 2-run homer to give the Cubs the lead.

Victory appeared to belong to the Cubs going into the bottom of the ninth inning when Kerry Wood struck out the first two batters. Unfortunately, two consecutive base hits tied up the game, taking it into inning number ten.

With two out and two men on base, Ryan Theriot drove in the go-ahead run, and in the bottom of the tenth, Carlos Marmol nailed down the win.

The only other team that has thus far achieved the 10,000 win mark is the San Francisco Giants, whose current total stands at 10,193.

With this win, the Chicago Cubs are currently enjoying a 15-6 record on the season.

Here’s to another 10,000 wins!
GO CUBS!

Reuniting the Tribe

2008-04-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hip Hop fans rejoice! Tribe is getting back together. With their last album (The Love Movement) being compared to Abbey Road, anticipation for the NYC 3 is as high as the moon for a Midnight Marauder (whatever the hell that means).

Check this shit out now!

Natalie Portman peeded on

2008-04-23T10:23:00.001-07:00

No word yet if that was actually Portman in the line of fire or hired double, Gangsta Warner in disguise.

The Huffington Post has the story.

Editor's Note: Astute historians of all things GDub will smile warmly at this Hennessy post. Those who have no clue as to what's going on here, let me explain.

Some years back, Hennessy commemorated my Natalie appreciation (obsession) by presenting me a Walgreens-type Queen Amidala get-up. The plan backfired however, when I asked my then girlfriend to don the mask while I fucked her. She agreed. Two years later we broke up.

The mask however is still in tact, with normal wear and tear around the mouth region one would expect from such a disguise.

Brew Crew

2008-04-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

A government report ranks Wisconsin #1 in drunk driving. Not much of a surprise given this state's inebriated perpetuity from endless post game tailgating and small town boredom. (Low traffic back roads never more beneficial.)

Accordingly, over 25% of cheese-motorists drove under the influence this past year. I'm guessing the figure will rise post-Favre, the expected late season Brewer meltdown, and the continual sucking of the Milwaukee Bucks.

Happiness Speaks Volumes

2008-04-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

PAVE THE WORLD YOU MOTHER FUCKS! Increase these gas prices! Fuck mother Earth, RAPE MOTHER EARTH! She’s the only mother we’ll ever have, but fuck it! WE NEED CONVIENENCE!!!

Easy for us, devastating for the environment: WHO FUCKING CARES! That’s what we’re being taught at all our public schools. That’s what we practice at our non-respected places of business. (Fuck, we don’t even recycle at our work! WTF?!)

So yeah. We’re all going to hell for causing our grandchildren to suffer. ENJOY THIS FACT! DON’T BOTHER RECORRECTING/ALTERING/DIMINISHING your current habits. Your selfish desires honor only you!

Earth Day Editorial

2008-04-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

Celebrating the world going to shit

A hollow sense of hope will blanket today's Earth Day festivities, as environmental activists solicit world leaders and average citizens to marshal a more focused reliance on natural, renewable resources. The challenge is most daunting; coinciding with world war, obstinate oppression, unaffordable food and fuel, and peevish campaign bickering between two who talk big change. Such immediate concerns blind most to the all powerful repercussions of global warming. Fuck if we haven't dug a hole so deep our demise is imminently closer with each sunset. Sometimes you gotta wonder if this one's our last.

Mother Earth. Going...going...gone.

Now that I've inspired untold millions to plant trees and sing We Are the World with meaning, check out C/Net for some more Earth Day fun. Included is an informative guide to green labels and some truly epic shots of Earth courtesy NASA. Enjoy it while you can.

We're Pretty Much Fucked!

2008-04-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

Are high gas prices cutting into your food budget? That’s today’s CNN.com question of the day. With the tally at 76% (70,834) answering yes and a cool 24% (22,832) answering no, it’s clear that most Americans are being forced to alter their existing food habits to compensate for the extra bulge in gas prices.

This article is not unlike the previous YIFTM article in that it brings to light the over abundance of food consumption that most American’s are so used to practicing. CNN.com offers a few tips on how to save on grocery bills, and when it might be ok NOT to go with brand name products. If you're poor like me, the decision not to go with brand name products is ALWAYS ok.

Organically speaking, This shit's too much!

2008-04-21T06:32:00.000-07:00

An outdoor game of 1-on-1 yesterday, between 29-year olds shackled by the worst winter in Madison, WI history, left me sprawled on my couch like a Pier 39 sea lion. Mustering the trickle of energy flowing through my now lifeless body, I reached for the TV remote and caught the above CBS News report that made me feel even more shitty.

The cost of food is rising at a furious pace. Third world countries are being hit the hardest. Uganda is one such example where malnutrition and riot ravage an already callous way of life. Insane fuel costs and increased demand on a tight supply of grain are just some of the reasons for this. (Vegetarian Agenda Warning!) One part of the solution perhaps is for the US (and other resource spoiled countries) to scale back their meat dependence by just 10%. This in theory could free enough grain to combat world hunger and calm the accretive concerns currently generating amongst the Whole Foods crowd. Seems $6.99 for a gallon of organic milk is wee bit too much for healthier living, at least according to this Bulldog Reporter story.

With the world on Code Red alert, the last thing we need is a yuppie uprising.

A separation of Church and Wise-cracks as seen through the Wise-cracker

2008-04-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

A New York Times blog scrutinizes Pope Benedict's arrest of 'dictatorship by relativism.' The pope's rejection favors a singular lead (specifically Catholic) that escorts the weak and humble to a populist truth. It's a very hard line stance even President Bush is echoing. Whether he understands it or just likes the way the words roll off his tongue is anyone's guess.

My take is this: how does the United States, a country exhorted by separation of Church and state, even entertain an absurd idea as this? Oh, that's right, we elected George Bush. Twice.

Listen, you wanna talk about elitist comments, look no further. Statements like this are what give Christians a bad name and Catholics a justified scorn. To be sure, the path to true righteousness is acquired only through Christ. But if you're the leader of a nation that enables freedom of or from religion, how do these words leave your mouth? Oh right, this is Bush talking. Never mind.

Out of the Blue

2008-04-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

80’s teen dream Debbie Gibson is found in the news again. Does she have a new album out? No, she’s trying to keep a 44 year old Spanish man named Bassas Jorge Puigdollers at least 100 yards away from her. Apparently the man has been following Ms. Only-In-My-Dreams to every one of her international concerts and even to her hotel after the shows.

He claims he’s looking for autographs for a Debbie Gibson fan club he’s heading, but Debbie isn’t buying it. According to CNN.com: when Puigdollers came to the front door of the Gibson's Los Angeles home Sunday, the 1980s pop star called police "for fear of my life," she wrote in court documents.

Is anybody else SHOCKED that Debbie Gibson is still touring? And she had a fan club? What the fuck is going on in 2008?

Debbie can Shake Her Love, but apparently without a restraining order she can't shake Mr. Puigdollers.

These people need sleep

2008-04-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

Last night's Compassion Forum was fueled on faith, but spurred by a sloppy comment.

Barack has gone on the defensive after a gloriously poor choice of words reducing small America to no more than God-fearing gun-lovers.

Hillary doing as Hillary does, seized the misstep to repine Barack as an out-of-touch elitist. We've seen this before ad nauseam for the past, oh, I don't know, 4 months. Clinton has been up against the wall and feels the only way off is to actively chase any and all Obama side steps. It's getting pretty annoying. Meanwhile, John McCain is sitting on the sidelines cheering on this volley of tactile affronts. With every juvenile swipe that the candidates take at each other, the Democratic nomination is becoming less about national issues and more about personal vendettas. And McCain's chances of winning in November are becoming more plausible because of it. That's pretty fucking scary.

Speaking of scary, anyone else notice last night the increasing frailty of Obama. He looked like an emaciated marathon runner on his last legs. And Hillary's geriatric slope of a face is starting to rival McCain's. Yikes! I'm getting the sense that the campaign trail, especially of late, is taking as much a toll on the country as it is on their physical well being. Better start playing nice.

That Crazy Wisconsin Weather!

2008-04-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

On September 4 of last year, this Bubbles cartoon was posted on our sister site, iheartbubbles. When I posted it then, it was just meant to be a silly comment on the crazy Wisconsin weather and a tip of the hat to those hearty souls who endure it.

At the time, I had no idea that the weekend of April 11-13 of this year would bring us snow on two out of the three days-and after spring had finally been looking brighter and warmer too!

That crazy Wisconsin weather!

WOD: AFFLATUS

2008-04-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

afflatus \uh-FLAY-tuhs\, noun:

A divine imparting of knowledge; inspiration.

With the overwhelming wave of deceit and corruption throughout the internet, it's comforting to know that the afflatus option of Yeah, I Figured That Much will always be available.

(As always, with help from our friends at dictionary.com)

Take Me Out to the Ballgame Video Contest (no, seriously)

2008-04-08T14:23:00.000-07:00

Think you’ve got what it takes to stand before several thousands live and several millions more worldwide and sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Well MLB.com and the 100 Anniversary of Baby Ruth offer you the opportunity to do just that.

Click here to upload a video of you, your sister, the neighbor you don’t talk to anymore, or your x-wife’s awesome singing ability and you could win a chance to sing baseball’s classic anthem, and make a fool out of everyone you know!

Bob Dylan, Pulitzer Prize Winner

2008-04-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

Singer/Songwriter and legendary rolling stone Bob Dylan just won the Pulitzer Prize for his "profound impact on popular music and American culture."

Congratulations to Mr. Tambourine Man, but where is Sticky Fingaz’s Pulitzer for “profound NEGATIVE impact on popular music and America’s USG?”

Protesters in San Fran, What a Shock

2008-04-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

Protesters scale monumental San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge in rage against China’s human rights ignorance. FYI the Olympics are going to be in Beijing this year goof-ball. The Olympic torch, a measly pocket lighter, is currently on a 23 city tour with a stop planned for Wednesday in San Francisco.

The protest banner reads as follows: "One World. One Dream. Free Tibet."

Yeah, I Figured That Much's GDub is in San Francisco right now covering the story. I’m sorry I don’t have more information, this story just broke like 9 minutes ago.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Charlton Heston is Dead

2008-04-07T12:30:00.001-07:00

Academy Award winner and former NRA President Charlton Heston died yesterday at his Beverly Hills home. Heston had been considerably ill since the discovery of prostate cancer in 1998.

Heston has become Hollywood’s iconic Hero actor, and spawned the Rod Serling written line: “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”

Mr. Heston was 84. Now he’s dead.

Essential Reading

2008-04-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

2 books that offer comfort and solace more than any other collection of printed words in the history of all mankind, according to JDot, are the following: The NIV Bible and Off Base Confessions of a Thief.

While the Bible doubles as the most purchased and less read book of all time, few, if any people have ever heard of the Rickey Henderson autobiography Off Base Confessions of a Thief. Unlike the comforted good-word book, Off Base’s target audience is a tight-nit group. Currently 2/5, or 20% of the Yeah, I Figured That Much crew own this book. But like the Holy Bible, the glorified words of Rickey Henderson, with help from John Shea, give the reader a certain level of peace and satisfaction that is exceeded only by reading the NIV Bible.

Since God created all thing, including Rickey Henderson, his single season stolen base record, his career stolen base record, his career run record, his lead-off homerun record, and until Bonds beat it a few years back, the MLB career walks record (Rickey is currently 2nd all-time) it stands to reason that the joy of our Heavenly Father is clearly at work within the legendary pages of Off Base Confessions of a Thief.

Thank God for Jesus Christ, and thank God for Rickey Henderson. Although clearly not even remotely close to being on the same level, together they are an exceptional 1-2 punch. Further proof is immediately squandered upon reading the first lines from each book:

The NIV Bible:
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Off Base Confessions of a Thief:
Yes, I am a hot dog.

Why is this happening

2008-04-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

Block heads.

The New Kids are new again. Except they're all old men and there is no market for this type of shit anymore. Oh fuck I'm confused.

The AP tries to make sense of it all.

On Screen Baseball Greats

2008-04-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

As you very well know, BASEBALL IS BACK! Yup, America’s Favorite Pastime has opened the 2008 season with a bang (not a very loud bang, and those with slight hearing loss complain of not being able to hear said bang).

Our friends of friends over at Entertainment Weekly came up with a list of 10 “on screen” Baseball MVP’s that you should really check out. My favorite from the list is #6, Roy “Wonderboy” Hobbs.

No Brakes? No Problem!

2008-04-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld (my other, other father) apparently likes to roll cars. Last night Fusilli Jerry crashed the fuck out of his 1967 Fiat BTM. Word on the street is that he was eluding crazed fans Master Dub and TV’s JDot.

The funny man was unhurt (thank God) and didn’t require medical attention.

So Jingles Jerry flips a car, then gets out and is like, “Nah, I’m good.” THIS MAN IS IMMORTAL! (At least in the eyes of his beloved fans, 2 of whom run this shit hole.)

New Jack Swing

2008-04-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

Arguably the most prominent hip hop entity of all time, Jay-Z is about to get even bigger. The rapper is set to sign a pact with concert giant Live Nation that rivals the largest pay days in industry history.

The deal, reportedly worth $150 million, will give Jay financing for his own entertainment venture, in addition to recordings and tours for the next decade.

For Live Nation: access to a bountiful hip hop market that gives them an equalizer to compete with the industry's long established record labels.
The New York Times has the breakdown.

My feeling is that Jay's deflection will fastrack an industry that has been slow to form a uniform model in response to plummeting CD sales and widespread piracy. I may be the only idiot still resorting to CDs as a primary access point for new music. The majority of consumers favor online's easy access. Increased consumption however has not led to revenue boosts, as many get their online music free. This has become a monumental challenge for labels to maintain profit while combating illegal distribution.

Jay's move is not the be all, end all fix. What it does is significantly shift the pendulum away from labels, placing more control in the hands of artists and less traditional distributors like Live Nation.

It also guarantees Beyonce will be getting the wedding of her dreams.

Elvis has left the Billboard

2008-04-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

Two crappy songs displace Elvis Presley from the Billboard record books this week.

Help me if you can I'm feeling down...

Because Mariah Carey's Touch My Body, a horrid example of diva gone wild, tops the Billboard 100. This piece of shit gives Mariah 18 No. 1s and places her one step closer to The Beatles' record of 20. Elsewhere...

Her hair is soft and her eyes are oh so blue,

She’s all the things a girl should be,

But she’s not you...

She's better. Two notches below, 60 year-old Madonna grabs her 37th Top 10 with 4 Minutes. Featuring Justin Timberlake, 4 Minutes is a shameless Timbaland recycle that starts strong, but unfortunately succumbs to an inexplicable idea-less chorus.

Billboard has the story.

Clean Ride

2008-04-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

Sure to get green car enthusiast's hearts racing, Tesla Motors began production last week on it's 2008 Tesla Roadster.

Touting it as a response to consumers clamoring for "beautiful, high performance cars that could generate zero-emissions and burn no oil", the manufacturer claims the 100% electric sports car can go from 0 to 60 in 3.9 seconds and gets 135 mpg.

And you thought environmentally friendly cars had no zoom. Finally, design equal to performance and efficiency. If I had $98K, I'd buy one. Those of our readers that do, take a number. Tesla reports the entire stock of 2008 models are sold out, but are currently taking reservations for 09.

Griller Park

2008-04-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Congress opened fire on executives from the world's five largest oil companies. An unbelievable amount of smug questioning, mostly from Democrats, centered around the fact each company is taking tax subsidies and not investing in renewable resources amid record prices for oil and gasoline.

Consider this exchange between Ed Markey, D-Mass, chairman of the House Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming and Stephen Simon, Senior Vice President, Exxon Mobil Corp:

Markey hammered Exxon's Simon over the company's investment in renewable energy. "Why is Exxon Mobil resisting the renewable energy revolution?" asked Markey.

Simon said Exxon has given $100 million to Stanford to study renewables. "$100 million?" said Markey. "But you made $40 billion last year."

When pressed, Simon said Exxon believes the current generation of renewable energy options will not be able to significantly meet demand.

Referring to reports showing that low income people are paying 10 percent or more of their income on gas Markey said, "So your message to them is you can't do anything for them," he said.

Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

The flip side to this debate, one argued by the oil industry and Papa Bush (surprise, surprise) is that it's unfair to target the oil industry when tax breaks are available to all manufacturers. Pardon me if I'm unsympathetic, but when you've got a geyser spraying $123 billion in profit last year, no one gives a shit what you think is fair or not.

Wal-Mart shoppers guaranteed ticket to Heaven

2008-04-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

A series of Wal-Mart ads are being scrutinized for implying a life style upgrade for consumers who shop exclusively at their stores.

Wal-Mart claims that shoppers will save approximately $2,500 per year. One ad depicts a family setting out on a vacation. Another eavesdrops on a father and son buying a used car. This implication: shop Wal-Mart and live better, is what concerns the National Advertising Division of the Council of Better Business Bureaus.

The New York Times reports:

The watchdog group had no quibble with what it called the “express claim” of Wal-Mart’s ad — that it saves American families $2,500 a year. “The advertiser has provided adequate support for its intended message,” according to the report.

But the group found that the ads — which imply that savings from Wal-Mart allowed the families to take the vacation and buy the car — could lead consumers “to quite reasonably take away the message that families that shop at Wal-Mart will save $2,500 per year more than families that shop at other stores.”

Wal-Mart is coy in their response, saying they never intended the implication, but "would be proud" to revise their campaign based on group's findings.

Give me a break. Wal-Mart is so pompously manipulative in their marketing that it transcends effectiveness and lands somewhere between immoral and insulting. I'd venture a guess that most of Wal-Mart's customers are low-to-moderate income families without the means or resources to see past such dust clouds. Providing product at low cost is an attractive carrot that Wal-Mart, and many other businesses, dangle in front of the consumer. What's troubling to me is this 'glorified savings salvation' actually leads people to spend more. Perceived saving becomes real debt. This notion probably applies more directly to cash advance and rent to own criminals. Still, Wal-Mart needs to step up consumer education to support such vampire claims. Irresponsible business shouldn't come at the expense of the consumer who can't afford it.

The Fools of April

2008-04-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Official mischief day is here! April Fool’s Day, is of course: marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, enemies and neighbors, or sending them on fools' errands, the aim of which is to embarrass the gullible. (Thanks wikipedia.org)

CNN.com put together a nice top 10 list of work related April Fool’s pranks. (See full article here.)

1. Placed a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a men's room to make it appear someone was using the stall. It sat there for hours until someone called security to check if the person had died.

2. Sent a fake love note to a co-worker from another co-worker.

3. All the women in office individually spoke to the president, confiding that she is pregnant. By noon, he 'knew' that all of his female workers were pregnant and he could not tell anyone because each asked for confidentially.

4. Called the electric company, used a co-worker's name and told them he was moving so the electricity got turned off at the co-worker's house.

5. Filled the vending soda machine with cans of beer.

6. Rigged the boss' chair to drop suddenly during a staff meeting.

7. Placed a sign on the restroom door that read, "The company ran out of toilet tissue; please use your own resources."

8. Paged a co-worker over the loud speaker claiming the CEO was looking for him. The worker went into the CEOs office and the CEO didn't know who he was or why he was there.

9. Shrink-wrapped everything in a co-worker's cubicle.

10. Put a 'house for sale' ad in the newspaper regarding a co-worker's home.

Whether you’re at work, home, school, or waiting in line for Hannah Montana tickets, be very, very cautious. If there was ever a day that you’ll be caught with your pants down, today may very well be it.

"Just a normal girl who hates herself."

2008-03-31T09:58:00.001-07:00

The coolest trailer to come along in a while, The Tracey Fragments is Ellen Page's follow-up to Juno. The thought of which seems daunting at best, but if this concept works, we may be looking at her generation's Meryl.

15-year-old Tracey Berkowitz (Best Actress Oscar-nominee Ellen Page) is riding around a pre-blizzard urban wasteland on the back of a city bus, naked except for the tattered curtain she’s wrapped in, and looking for her missing brother (whom she fears she has hypnotized). Based on screenwriter Maureen Medved’s novel of the same name, THE TRACEY FRAGMENTS uses highly inventive and dynamic Mondrian-like split screens to tell the story of exactly how she wound up there. On screen for nearly every frame of the film, Page delivers a tour-de-force performance that cements her status as one of the most exciting young actresses on screen today.

The poster is fucking top notch too. Somewhere JDot is wetting himself silly.

Fuckin Hackers

2008-03-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

Nerd goddess Morgan Webb reports on the recent outbreak of hacking via her podcast, Webb Alert. Check out the video above, then subscribe for daily stick joy here.

Her first story is from Wired and deals with a recent hack into an Epilepsy Foundation message board. These cyber-cretins used flash animation that triggered seizures in some users. That's real nice.

Elsewhere, Bulldog Reporter's Daily Dog crowns Apple's MacBook Air 'the easiest computer to hack.' The company's iPhone also experienced a similar conundrum. Maybe Apple should focus more on security issues instead of design.

Aloha to Aloha

2008-03-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

Off the top today, sadness and uncertainty lingers for 1,900 employees of Aloha Airlines.

After 61 years of service and just 11 days after filing for bankruptcy, the company known as 'the people's airline' is ending passenger operations effective tomorrow.

CEO David Banmiller said in a news release, ""This is an incredibly dark day for Hawai'i. We simply ran out of time to find a qualified buyer or secure continued financing for our passenger service. We had no choice but to take this action."

An inter-island fare war and record jet fuel prices were primarily to blame for Aloha's decline.

I suspect this has more to do with those mischievous Menehunes - the Gremlins of Hawai'ian lore. Long admired for their master craftsmanship by most, I've always been leery of their secretive nature and deep forest inhabitancy.

This is what they look like. Very scary.

Learn more about this back beach militia here and read more Aloha coverage at the Honolulu Advertiser.

UPDATE: Co-Founder JDot mentions in the comment section of this post, the most widely known of the Menehune, Mr. Hanalei. Tales of salvation surround this mysterious leader, best exemplified by this Bruce Lee Band song.

Pure propaganda. Hanalei would be 'person of interest' number one in any island wrong-doing. He is not to be trusted.

A Simple Kind of Man

2008-03-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

Old habits die hard and Frybyrd turns 34

A being of considerable talents and immense heart, Yeah I Figured columnist Frybyrd celebrates birthday 34 today.

To commemorate, a quick story about the man behind the mic:

Grease and I hosted a New Year's Party this year. Our first and last. As drunken party people revelled in whiskey and wine, raising a glass in anticipation of the New Year, Frybryd took it upon himself to quiet the crowd and lead a toast in our honor. This is the kind of guy he is. This is the kind of guy I wish I was.

From your Yeah brethren, Happy Birthday Frybyrd! Rock out with your cock out...

Saturday Night Laughs Vol. 2

2008-03-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

Clip taken from Saturday Night Live show in 1991 (I believe). Musical guest that night was Faith No More. I've got this taped somewhere at my folk's house, but until I find it, enjoy the video.

On a side note, 13 year old versions of both GDub and JDot performed this skit in front of the entire Jr. High class. We may have gotten 1 laugh.

Saturday Night Laughs

2008-03-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

Bartender Richard Pryor cracks wise with leftover aliens from Star Wars. Funny stuff.

Texas Woman Gets Airline Titty Twister

2008-03-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

37 year old Mandi Hamlin was ordered to extract her nipple piercings after she set off an airport medal detector. She was able to remove one of her breast jewelry, but was unable to remove the second. TSA attendants supplied Mrs. Hamlin with pliers and told her she had to remove the jewelry or she couldn’t’ board the plane.

After sobs (of what I’ve got to assume was extreme pain), both permanent pasties were extracted. Mrs. Hamlin isn’t looking for money, she isn’t looking for free airfare, and she’s not looking for attention. She’s only looking for an apology.

So far, she hasn’t gotten it.

Ten Years Long

2008-03-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Viagra celebrates 10 years of turning cocks hard.

The $35 Ticket Stub

2008-03-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

Price includes complimentary gizz cleanup

Are Americans ready to pay $35 to see a movie? According to this Variety report, Village Roadshow Ltd., Act III, Lambert Entertainment and the Retirement Systems of Alabama pension fund think so. In fact they're banking $200 million on it.

A five year roll out of luxury theaters is planned, beginning in suburban Chicago and expanding nationwide. Each theater will offer reclining seats, digital projection, a lounge and bar serving cocktails and appetizers, a concierge service and valet parking.

Variety says,

"Idea is that plushing up the current moviegoing experience will encourage auds that typically stay home to watch movies via their pricey home theaters to venture out again. But it's also a way for exhibs to make more money: Concession sales are kept by theater chains, while a little more than half of each ticket sold is split with the studios. Selling sushi and a glass of wine will command higher prices than popcorn and soda."

Maybe so. But I think sluggish box office has more to do with mediocre films than the physical environment audiences choose to see them in. In fact, a recent Yeah I Figured survey asked infrequent moviegoers what contributed to their decline in attendance. Over 85% of respondents cited 'shitty movies'. Other pertinent barriers included:

93% said ticket cost.
77% said parents who can't afford babysitting
8% said 'loud black people'
0.02% said 'because of the hottie sitting next to Dot and me giving her boyfriend a handshake like it's pottery class...oh how I wish my cock was his.'

(Editor's Note: Yeah, I Figured staff responses were included in survey results.)

Chris Webber Retires from NBA Jersey

2008-03-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Former Michigan basketball great and 1990’s tween idol Chris Webber announced today that he will no longer grace the great sport of Basketball.

I for one am a bit worried about Yeah, I Figured Co-Founder GDub and his legendary NBA jersey collection. My heart goes out to both Chris and GDub during this troubling time.

Ink Finger

2008-03-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

Extinction or Evolution?
What's next for the newspaper

As readership dwindles and profit margins plunge, many newspapers are reallocating costs and resources online. The ramifications of which influence current coverage scope and advertising reach. Given the relative infancy of online media, where these bedfellows land is anyone's guess.

The New York Times takes a close look at the reporter's dilemma via the decline of traveling press on the campaign trail:

For most of the others, the price of admission — more than $2,000 for just one person to travel on Mr. Obama’s charter flights that day — was too steep, in an era in which newspapers in particular are slashing costs and paring staff, and with no end in sight to a primary campaign that began more than a year ago.

Elsewhere, Bulldog Reporter's Daily Dog says as advertising revenue favors the Internet, so goes the marketer:

Yet, the industry argues that more people read newspapers now than ever before, thanks to the Web. And indeed, online ad revenues have risen sharply in recent years. However, the economy has even taken a toll there, as Web–based growth slowed down in 2007, reports MarketWatch writer David B. Wilkerson.

In many cases, though, money is being left on the table because concepts and guidelines that are still being established in the online arena after eons in which the relationship between newspapers and their ad clients barely changed at all.

Himself an industry veteran, Yeah I Figured Executive Director Grease feels talk of print media extinction to be premature and reactionary.

"There will always be a newspaper. It just will evolve. Things will be dicey for awhile, but I think a good, new model will be found."

In the meantime he says publications are going through significant content makeovers.

"So the new (fairly new) business model is for small papers to go hyper-local, shifting away from world and national news to tons of community-based stuff that no one else covers. This seems to be working for many."

Yeah, I Figured columnist, Hennessy has written for many print publications but has a less optimistic view on their survival.

"Newspapers are as good as dead. They've been on life support since pushing real, relevant news to the back page. Replacing it with sushi party do's and dont's and the latest on Hannah Montana. Give me a fucking break."

It’s 2008 and kids are still falling into wells? What the flying fuck? (An editorial by JDot)

2008-03-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, what the fuck? There’s got to be a finite number of wells in this country, no? You think there would be a company of “abandoned well cover” makers that would be rich enough to finance the Iraq war by now. Seriously, how can people continue to drop the ball on this well falling phenomenon?

Did we all forget about little Jessica? Or what about that Simpsons episode where Bart pretended to fall down a well, then actually did fall down the well, and the whole town broke out in a “We Are the World” song. That was hilarious. Kids continuing to fall down wells is not hilarious. WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!

Parents, teach your children well, their father’s hell did slowly go by. And so too does another year with another kid falling down another well. Well, I for one am sick and tired of reading about it.

Cover these wells. If they’re still in operation, shoot the parents for not teaching their children. How hard is it to say to your kids, “Yeah, that there is a well. If you fall in there you’ll die.” How hard is that? I’ve never had a kid of my own fall into a well, and I’m not even a good parent, or a parent at all for that matter.

Parent’s need to stop being self-centered and become aware that kids are dumb, and they like to fall down wells. Teach your kids not to fall down wells so I don’t have to read about it on CNN.com.

Thank you.

Comedy Central Presents EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK FREE

2008-03-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

Alright, although I’m not a fan, the idea behind South Park creators offering EVERY SINGLE EPISODE free for online viewing is really quite impressive. The Comedy Central show, one of the longest running television cartoons of all time, is a hit or miss with many viewers (like myself) but damn near the best thing on television for just as many more.

Brand new episodes will also be shown at www.southparkstudios.com with a week long viewing window. After that the episode will go into a brief hiatus, then meet up with the rest of the South Park back catalogue in the archives.

Working as an monumental alternative to Youtube, this columnists hopes other fanned television shows will follow suit.

Here is a list of shows I’d like to see offered in their entirety online:

Seinfeld
The Kids in the Hall
Soap
G.I. Joe
Growing Pains
Cagney and Lacey
Simon & Simon
Fame
Danger Mouse
Mr. Johnson's Watery Neighbors
Friends of Yeah, I Figured

Ortiz, Ramirez mistaken for Godzilla, Mothra

2008-03-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Major League Baseball has officially thrown its first pitch of the 2008 campaign.

Beginning sooner than any year before, the season started with the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox beating the Oakland Athletics, 6 - 5 in 10 innings to 44,000 plus fans in Tokyo. This is the third time in the last nine years the baseball season has begun in Tokyo.

ESPN has the final boxscore.

No Joke

2008-03-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

Sinbad calls out Clinton about sniper fire remark

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton issued a clarification over comments she made last week in regards to a 1996 humanitarian aid trip to Bosnia.

Describing a landing marred by 'sniper fire', Clinton went on to say that she and her group had to 'run with our heads down' to avoid enemy fire.

Comedian Sinbad (also on the trip) was the first to publicly question Clinton's remark.

“I never felt that I was in a dangerous position,” Sinbad told the Washington Post last week. “I never felt being in a sense of peril, or ‘Oh, God, I hope I’m going to be okay when I get out of this helicopter or when I get out of this tank,” he said.

Additionally, a video showing Clinton casually strolling off the plane has also emerged.

Clinton has responded saying she 'misspoke' and blamed her inaccuracy on a hectic speaking schedule.

"I say a lot of things -- millions of words a day -- so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement," she said.

Tommy Vietor, a spokesman for rival Sen. Barack Obama's campaign, said the Bosnia claim was part of "a growing list of instances in which Sen. Clinton has exaggerated her role in foreign and domestic policy making."

CNN has the full story.

An inflated sense of self worth was bound to catch up with Hillary sooner or later. But as political history confirms, no one back peddles like a Clinton.

No More Virgin Pumpkins

2008-03-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Grunge rockers of yester-year Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Megastore for unlawfully using one of their songs to promote a Pepsi ad. Apparently their contract only gives Virgin the credence to sell digital files of Smashing Pumpkins music. So while drinking a Coke Billy Corgan was all like, “No way Jose. We gonna’ sue!”

More info can be found here.

Oh, and for the record (no pun intended), VIRGIN SUCKS! Greedy companies selling low end products for high prices never get my support, and if I were to make one, Virgin would probably top my Most Hated Music Store list. I loathe having to step into that store for work.

Rapper Common exultant over Sirus-XM merger

2008-03-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

CNN Money reports the US Justice Department has approved the merger between satellite radio companies, Sirius and XM. The deal, announced over a year ago, remained in doubt as the DOJ deliberated whether the union constituted a monopoly over outlets such as Apple's iTunes Store.

The Federal Communications Commission must also approve the merger before the deal becomes official. If the FCC signs off, 14 million subscribers will now have an all access pass to Major League Baseball and Howard Stern among many other programs.

The merger will be marketed to current and prospective subscribers with the tagline: "Sirius / XM: From base hits to fake tits, we've got it all."

Tommy John Surgery V.2

2008-03-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

Well, just over a week to go before the regular season starts and Cappy might have to undergo Tommy John surgery, AGAIN! After being informed of his pitching elbow’s torn ligament, Chris Capuano said, "I composed myself mentally for it.” Well if Cappy can’t pitch, at least he'll be composed. That's one less worry for Brewers fans.

So what does this mean for Wisconsin area Brewer fans? Some (Grease & Minh) say Cappy is done, and that this may create a positive opportunity for up-and-comers to show us their skills. Others (JDot) say the Brewers season is looking about par once again.

For more info on the Milwaukee Brewers, stats, player conflictions, MVP Baseball 2005 news and just about all other things involving America’s Favorite Pastime, check JDot Unplugged.

Recount

2008-03-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

Number two on Maxim's Unsexiest Woman Alive List.

Maxim has named Sarah Jessica Parker the 'Unsexiest Woman Alive.' The Sex and the City star edged out nut job singer Amy Winehouse, blank faced Grey's Anatomy star, Sandra Oh, the handsome Madonna, and crazed psychopath, Britney Spears.

Parker responded,

"It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. It upset [husband Matthew Broderick] because it has to do with his judgment, too."

Opting for natural ugly, Maxim judges no doubt factored Winehouse's years of crack smoking as an unfair advantage.

Democrats on McCain: "He's such a tease."

2008-03-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Nothing says Monday morning like John McCain!

Off the top today is a report in The New York Times questioning McCain's GOP loyalty.

According to the report, McCain seriously considered a party switch in 2001 after a tumultuous South Carolina primary the year before ended with a bitter McCain at odds with the party. McCain accused George Bush of running a smear campaign alleging McCain's fathering of a black child out of wedlock. Bush denied any such doing.

McCain was also put off that none of his aides were hired when Bush took over the White House in January.

Then during the 2004 election, McCain began discussions of joining John Kerry's ticket. Both parties differ on who originated the idea, but McCain is quick to point out Kerry's liberal leaning would have never coincided with his conservative stance. Again, McCain was pissed.

Author Elisabeth Bumiller writes,

"Either way, the episodes shed light on a bitter period in Mr. McCain’s life after the 2000 presidential election, when he was, at least in policy terms, drifting away from his own party. They also offer a glimpse into his psychological makeup and the difficulties in putting a label on his political ideology over many years in the Senate."

John McCain...71 and still angry after all these years.