Saturday Night Laughs Vol. 2

Clip taken from Saturday Night Live show in 1991 (I believe). Musical guest that night was Faith No More. I've got this taped somewhere at my folk's house, but until I find it, enjoy the video.

On a side note, 13 year old versions of both GDub and JDot performed this skit in front of the entire Jr. High class. We may have gotten 1 laugh.

Saturday Night Laughs

Bartender Richard Pryor cracks wise with leftover aliens from Star Wars. Funny stuff.

Texas Woman Gets Airline Titty Twister

37 year old Mandi Hamlin was ordered to extract her nipple piercings after she set off an airport medal detector. She was able to remove one of her breast jewelry, but was unable to remove the second. TSA attendants supplied Mrs. Hamlin with pliers and told her she had to remove the jewelry or she couldn’t’ board the plane.

After sobs (of what I’ve got to assume was extreme pain), both permanent pasties were extracted. Mrs. Hamlin isn’t looking for money, she isn’t looking for free airfare, and she’s not looking for attention. She’s only looking for an apology.

So far, she hasn’t gotten it.

Ten Years Long

Viagra celebrates 10 years of turning cocks hard.

The $35 Ticket Stub

Price includes complimentary gizz cleanup

Are Americans ready to pay $35 to see a movie? According to this Variety report, Village Roadshow Ltd., Act III, Lambert Entertainment and the Retirement Systems of Alabama pension fund think so. In fact they're banking $200 million on it.

A five year roll out of luxury theaters is planned, beginning in suburban Chicago and expanding nationwide. Each theater will offer reclining seats, digital projection, a lounge and bar serving cocktails and appetizers, a concierge service and valet parking.

Variety says,

"Idea is that plushing up the current moviegoing experience will encourage auds that typically stay home to watch movies via their pricey home theaters to venture out again. But it's also a way for exhibs to make more money: Concession sales are kept by theater chains, while a little more than half of each ticket sold is split with the studios. Selling sushi and a glass of wine will command higher prices than popcorn and soda."

Maybe so. But I think sluggish box office has more to do with mediocre films than the physical environment audiences choose to see them in. In fact, a recent Yeah I Figured survey asked infrequent moviegoers what contributed to their decline in attendance. Over 85% of respondents cited 'shitty movies'. Other pertinent barriers included:

• 93% said ticket cost.
• 77% said parents who can't afford babysitting
• 8% said 'loud black people'
• 0.02% said 'because of the hottie sitting next to Dot and me giving her boyfriend a handshake like it's pottery class...oh how I wish my cock was his.'

(Editor's Note: Yeah, I Figured staff responses were included in survey results.)

Chris Webber Retires from NBA Jersey

Former Michigan basketball great and 1990’s tween idol Chris Webber announced today that he will no longer grace the great sport of Basketball.

I for one am a bit worried about Yeah, I Figured Co-Founder GDub and his legendary NBA jersey collection. My heart goes out to both Chris and GDub during this troubling time.

Ink Finger

Extinction or Evolution?
What's next for the newspaper

As readership dwindles and profit margins plunge, many newspapers are reallocating costs and resources online. The ramifications of which influence current coverage scope and advertising reach. Given the relative infancy of online media, where these bedfellows land is anyone's guess.

The New York Times takes a close look at the reporter's dilemma via the decline of traveling press on the campaign trail:

For most of the others, the price of admission — more than $2,000 for just one person to travel on Mr. Obama’s charter flights that day — was too steep, in an era in which newspapers in particular are slashing costs and paring staff, and with no end in sight to a primary campaign that began more than a year ago.

Elsewhere, Bulldog Reporter's Daily Dog says as advertising revenue favors the Internet, so goes the marketer:

Yet, the industry argues that more people read newspapers now than ever before, thanks to the Web. And indeed, online ad revenues have risen sharply in recent years. However, the economy has even taken a toll there, as Web–based growth slowed down in 2007, reports MarketWatch writer David B. Wilkerson.

In many cases, though, money is being left on the table because concepts and guidelines that are still being established in the online arena after eons in which the relationship between newspapers and their ad clients barely changed at all.

Himself an industry veteran, Yeah I Figured Executive Director Grease feels talk of print media extinction to be premature and reactionary.

"There will always be a newspaper. It just will evolve. Things will be dicey for awhile, but I think a good, new model will be found."

In the meantime he says publications are going through significant content makeovers.

"So the new (fairly new) business model is for small papers to go hyper-local, shifting away from world and national news to tons of community-based stuff that no one else covers. This seems to be working for many."

Yeah, I Figured columnist, Hennessy has written for many print publications but has a less optimistic view on their survival.

"Newspapers are as good as dead. They've been on life support since pushing real, relevant news to the back page. Replacing it with sushi party do's and dont's and the latest on Hannah Montana. Give me a fucking break."

It’s 2008 and kids are still falling into wells? What the flying fuck? (An editorial by JDot)

Ok, what the fuck? There’s got to be a finite number of wells in this country, no? You think there would be a company of “abandoned well cover” makers that would be rich enough to finance the Iraq war by now. Seriously, how can people continue to drop the ball on this well falling phenomenon?

Did we all forget about little Jessica? Or what about that Simpsons episode where Bart pretended to fall down a well, then actually did fall down the well, and the whole town broke out in a “We Are the World” song. That was hilarious. Kids continuing to fall down wells is not hilarious. WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!

Parents, teach your children well, their father’s hell did slowly go by. And so too does another year with another kid falling down another well. Well, I for one am sick and tired of reading about it.

Cover these wells. If they’re still in operation, shoot the parents for not teaching their children. How hard is it to say to your kids, “Yeah, that there is a well. If you fall in there you’ll die.” How hard is that? I’ve never had a kid of my own fall into a well, and I’m not even a good parent, or a parent at all for that matter.

Parent’s need to stop being self-centered and become aware that kids are dumb, and they like to fall down wells. Teach your kids not to fall down wells so I don’t have to read about it on CNN.com.

Thank you.

Comedy Central Presents EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK FREE

Alright, although I’m not a fan, the idea behind South Park creators offering EVERY SINGLE EPISODE free for online viewing is really quite impressive. The Comedy Central show, one of the longest running television cartoons of all time, is a hit or miss with many viewers (like myself) but damn near the best thing on television for just as many more.

Brand new episodes will also be shown at www.southparkstudios.com with a week long viewing window. After that the episode will go into a brief hiatus, then meet up with the rest of the South Park back catalogue in the archives.

Working as an monumental alternative to Youtube, this columnists hopes other fanned television shows will follow suit.

Here is a list of shows I’d like to see offered in their entirety online:

Seinfeld
The Kids in the Hall
Soap
G.I. Joe
Growing Pains
Cagney and Lacey
Simon & Simon
Fame
Danger Mouse
Mr. Johnson's Watery Neighbors
Friends of Yeah, I Figured

Ortiz, Ramirez mistaken for Godzilla, Mothra

Major League Baseball has officially thrown its first pitch of the 2008 campaign.

Beginning sooner than any year before, the season started with the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox beating the Oakland Athletics, 6 - 5 in 10 innings to 44,000 plus fans in Tokyo. This is the third time in the last nine years the baseball season has begun in Tokyo.

ESPN has the final boxscore.

No Joke

Sinbad calls out Clinton about sniper fire remark

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton issued a clarification over comments she made last week in regards to a 1996 humanitarian aid trip to Bosnia.

Describing a landing marred by 'sniper fire', Clinton went on to say that she and her group had to 'run with our heads down' to avoid enemy fire.

Comedian Sinbad (also on the trip) was the first to publicly question Clinton's remark.

“I never felt that I was in a dangerous position,” Sinbad told the Washington Post last week. “I never felt being in a sense of peril, or ‘Oh, God, I hope I’m going to be okay when I get out of this helicopter or when I get out of this tank,” he said.

Additionally, a video showing Clinton casually strolling off the plane has also emerged.

Clinton has responded saying she 'misspoke' and blamed her inaccuracy on a hectic speaking schedule.

"I say a lot of things -- millions of words a day -- so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement," she said.

Tommy Vietor, a spokesman for rival Sen. Barack Obama's campaign, said the Bosnia claim was part of "a growing list of instances in which Sen. Clinton has exaggerated her role in foreign and domestic policy making."

CNN has the full story.

An inflated sense of self worth was bound to catch up with Hillary sooner or later. But as political history confirms, no one back peddles like a Clinton.

No More Virgin Pumpkins

Grunge rockers of yester-year Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Megastore for unlawfully using one of their songs to promote a Pepsi ad. Apparently their contract only gives Virgin the credence to sell digital files of Smashing Pumpkins music. So while drinking a Coke Billy Corgan was all like, “No way Jose. We gonna’ sue!”

More info can be found here.

Oh, and for the record (no pun intended), VIRGIN SUCKS! Greedy companies selling low end products for high prices never get my support, and if I were to make one, Virgin would probably top my Most Hated Music Store list. I loathe having to step into that store for work.

Rapper Common exultant over Sirus-XM merger

CNN Money reports the US Justice Department has approved the merger between satellite radio companies, Sirius and XM. The deal, announced over a year ago, remained in doubt as the DOJ deliberated whether the union constituted a monopoly over outlets such as Apple's iTunes Store.

The Federal Communications Commission must also approve the merger before the deal becomes official. If the FCC signs off, 14 million subscribers will now have an all access pass to Major League Baseball and Howard Stern among many other programs.

The merger will be marketed to current and prospective subscribers with the tagline: "Sirius / XM: From base hits to fake tits, we've got it all."

Tommy John Surgery V.2

Well, just over a week to go before the regular season starts and Cappy might have to undergo Tommy John surgery, AGAIN! After being informed of his pitching elbow’s torn ligament, Chris Capuano said, "I composed myself mentally for it.” Well if Cappy can’t pitch, at least he'll be composed. That's one less worry for Brewers fans.

So what does this mean for Wisconsin area Brewer fans? Some (Grease & Minh) say Cappy is done, and that this may create a positive opportunity for up-and-comers to show us their skills. Others (JDot) say the Brewers season is looking about par once again.

For more info on the Milwaukee Brewers, stats, player conflictions, MVP Baseball 2005 news and just about all other things involving America’s Favorite Pastime, check JDot Unplugged.

Recount

Number two on Maxim's Unsexiest Woman Alive List.

Maxim has named Sarah Jessica Parker the 'Unsexiest Woman Alive.' The Sex and the City star edged out nut job singer Amy Winehouse, blank faced Grey's Anatomy star, Sandra Oh, the handsome Madonna, and crazed psychopath, Britney Spears.

Parker responded,

"It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. It upset [husband Matthew Broderick] because it has to do with his judgment, too."

Opting for natural ugly, Maxim judges no doubt factored Winehouse's years of crack smoking as an unfair advantage.

Democrats on McCain: "He's such a tease."

Nothing says Monday morning like John McCain!

Off the top today is a report in The New York Times questioning McCain's GOP loyalty.

According to the report, McCain seriously considered a party switch in 2001 after a tumultuous South Carolina primary the year before ended with a bitter McCain at odds with the party. McCain accused George Bush of running a smear campaign alleging McCain's fathering of a black child out of wedlock. Bush denied any such doing.

McCain was also put off that none of his aides were hired when Bush took over the White House in January.

Then during the 2004 election, McCain began discussions of joining John Kerry's ticket. Both parties differ on who originated the idea, but McCain is quick to point out Kerry's liberal leaning would have never coincided with his conservative stance. Again, McCain was pissed.

Author Elisabeth Bumiller writes,

"Either way, the episodes shed light on a bitter period in Mr. McCain’s life after the 2000 presidential election, when he was, at least in policy terms, drifting away from his own party. They also offer a glimpse into his psychological makeup and the difficulties in putting a label on his political ideology over many years in the Senate."

John McCain...71 and still angry after all these years.

Bundle Up You Freezing Freaks!

Congratulations to Madison, Wisconsin for suffering through a yet-to-be-completed record-breaking winter. According to madison.com, snowfall for the 2007-2008 winter season broke the 100 inch marker. (And people still ask me if I miss Wisconsin. I do, but not because of the subzero winters.)

The previous record was set during the winter of 78-79 with just over 76 inches. Both figures are well above the winter average of 49.9 inches.

What does this all mean? It means people are stuck inside all moody and shit waiting to see the sun come out to dry up all the snow.

Madison is a beautiful city, in the summertime. Winters there take a toll on the brain somethin’ fierce. If visiting the greater Madison area, be sure to pack enough warm socks and several layers of upper body protection. And that’s just for sitting in the house next to the fireplace with the heat cranked up to 80.

Luke 24:22-24

In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning
but didn't find his body.
They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels,
who said he was alive.
Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said,
but him they did not see.

-The Holy Bible, New International Version

Woke up this morning to a warm sun over a cold earth. It pleased me. So I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, praised God, then drank coffee.

Instead of fellowship, this has become my Sunday morning ritual, all winter long. I don't know to call it hibernation or fear or plain, old fashioned laziness. Perhaps all three. Or maybe it's a suppression of outreach; a spiritual indulgence in search of closure. In my walls, on my terms.

Some would suggest this is a lack of faith. I don't see it as such. I see it as a way to reconnect to what's goin' on and to accept what has passed.

In that past, the idea of who I am often got lost in translation. I'd juggle way too many feelings at once. All rooted in one emotion. The balls would fall, and I'd spit jargon. I would begin sentences, having no idea how they'd end. Intent would trail off to a mere murmur. I suspect people who share a similar difficulty go about burying it in different ways. Some of us will turn to a friend for solace. Others will seek reasoning in therapy. Or we all just hit that high as a masquerade to the real.

Me? I drop to my fucking knees and pray. And I drink coffee. And I listen to music. Because four organic minutes from somebody else's mouth that understands 'it', goes a lot further than the ramblings of a fuckin mad man. The life and times of (your name here.) That song that somehow captures your very essence. The realization and relief of, "Man, someone gets me!"

It's comforting knowing you're not the only fuck up fucking up this way. Sin is not mutually exclusive. It's a connect through disconnect, lost in a fog of hypocrisy. Welcome to the club.

Up next is N*E*R*D's In Search Of.... An album so nonsensical in it's simplicity that it's easy to miss the point; 12 or 13 tracks of diary diarrhea singing life is nothing more than forgotten promises. And then Jesus comes along to pick up our shit.

Fuck. I'm sick of winter.

Man this would be cute if this were just a dream

A lesson for you to learn except you'd learn through me

You know like in the movies when it ends with a scream

Well fuck face I got news this is real and I did things

Traveling from Virginia to Cali broke

Hitchhike and rides me in my calico

Shoplift for food when it was desire

I miss my family

Miss my friends

I'm so high and so tired...

Hey there mister

Give me some cash

I'm high as hell

And I'm ready to blast

I'm just one hit away

From being past out

Young and assed out

Hey there

Would you help me please

Could you spare some change for the world

For the world to see