The New Proverbs
Another Installment in the Unpopular Series of New Sayings for a New Day
LONDONDERRY - I hope you will not hold the author to the literal definition of the word proverb. I like the title and look forward to keeping a running list of all the wisdom I have gained over the years. If you know of one I may have missed, please leave a comment and I will try to include it in an upcoming edition.
Something everyone should remember or say aloud to themselves before entering a public restroom: If the yellow or brown is not from me, I must flush it down before I pee.
The reasoning behind the above is we become connected to whatever is in the toilet during urination. A continuous, unbroken pee stream is the same as putting your hand, arm, face into the toilet - there is an organic connection. Nasties can (and do) travel up the stream into your system, so do not try to break apart someone else's turd no matter how fun this is (and it is a lot of fun). Also clench off if you're passing a massive one that is about to touch water. Conversely, remember that peeing in a urinal full of ice on a hot day will cool you down.
The following applies solely to the CW:
You can't teach a cat to play piano.
Another variation on avoiding the futile. It differs from fisting a sparrow in that it is more suitable for a situation that is creepy as fuck.
I would die for my friends, but will not be mildly inconvenienced by them.
Once you are in the Mij's inner circle, he will take a bullet for you. However, do not ask him to drive an additional five minutes north on I-43 to give you a lift. Describes my relationship with every good friend I have, and especially the other columnists on YITS.
Pulling a Charles.
Use when slipping in a sporting activity.
The Mij's prints are all over this one.
Use when falsely accused of stealing something from one of your best friends. Examples include a Juan Gonzalez 1990 Upper Deck baseball card, a Natalie Portman 8x10 glossy photo, L. Lippy's winter stocking cap. I probably missed a lot here. My apartment storage space must be filled with all of this plunder, so I will go check when time permits and update the list afterwards.
Previous Entries:
Fisting a Sparrow
This Ain't No Kiss Cam
7 comments:
Maybe you might be responsible for Gangsta's missing Natalie Portman mask?
I do think fisting a sparrow might be easier than teaching a cat or a human the piano or guitar. Well, if that human was me, even more so.
Even a so-called kleptomaniac like myself wants no part of that mask.
I can picture you having jam sessions with your tabbies.
this site is beginning to resemble a self help conduit for the dregs of society. This feature leads that charge.
I look forward to future editions concerning apartments numbered 312, some sort of enlightenment in regards to the words:
'google', 'image', 'search'
...and pulling a moynahan.
I can understand but feel it's important to point out that although the Mij is a superior writer, the content of his pieces are littered with lies (An alternative version of actual events if you will). If becoming a good writer means you have to lie, and I think it does, the Mij should start his own publication.
That's a great picture of the precious child.
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